Ryan. Now 23 months old. Is in the midst of the terrible twos. I recently read in a book that the terrible twos actually defines the time from about 18 months to 30 months. Interesting. All I know is that I can never make him happy. Not a good time to quit drinking for 9 months.

I have been having a blah week but decided to blog about our Easter weekend to cheer me up. we had an amazing brunch that included some beautiful cupcakes and a yummy dreamsicle pie. My older brother Tim drove up with his family from Orlando and my parents came from Interlachen. With family around the day turned into such a joyful occasion. It was nice to have some of the people I love most nearby. Ryan was his usual rowdy self. Throw in his cousin Logan and BAM, we have craziness. But deep down, even with all the yelling, I love it!!

I know all the right things to say when people are feeling down. And I know what needs to be done to get through the hard times. But why? Why, can I not seem to apply these things to myself. I think I did to much job searching today. I want things to work out so bad that I start to get anxious and feel like my head is going to explode. There are so many things I want right now. I just feel like God wants me to be in this holding pattern. As if something is coming. You may not understand. But I do...

I am sitting here on the couch watching my dacshund Lucy eat lizards on the deck. What is truely shocking is that she is fast enough to catch them. We feed her. I swear.

As Ryan would say Ewwwwwww!!!

Why? Oh why? Do some people NOT respond to texts, IMs, or Facebook comments. Why even bother? If I am bothering you, tell me to shut up...

In the middle of trying to keep my house clean today an episode of Oprah stopped me dead in my tracks. Her guest today was Michael J Fox. Please know that he was my first crush. I loved him so much that I wrote him a fan letter and still have the "automated" reply postcard I received back. I call it "automated", because it was a generic postcard with his signature already printed on it. But to a 10 year old who loved Alex P Keaton, it was a life highlight.
For the past 18 years, he has been living with Parkinson's disease. (I know, 18 years? Wow.) The thing that made me stop and really listen was this incredible quote. "I can choose to think about this. Or I can choose to think about a ton of other things all day." He was a lesson in optimism for me today. Knowing that what is happening now is not only the way it should be. But a gift. Wow! Powerful stuff.

Choose to be happy. Choose to be sad.

Choice...

It has taken me three long months to even resemble a normal person after quitting my job. I now know that if we could swing it, I would be a stay at home mom/wife. I always questioned my ability to do this. Perhaps it was always because of the financial security? It is a really hard thing to just walk a way from money. We are all just blasted everyday with how important money is and now in our "recession", it is all about how much we are loosing. Well, I quit my job. I left on purpose. There was a lot of just reasons that I did this. But the reality is that, I made the decision to walk out on our financial security. I caused my family to loose over 40% of its income. Here I am three months later finally getting to the point where I can say. We lost nothing. In fact, we gained, a hell of a lot.
I can name all the stuff that has physically happen. Like the blessing of Ryan's new daycare. As he was dragging me in there this morning so excited to get his day started, I realized, that he likes it there. I left him at the table happily eating his waffles and raisins. On my way out, I teared up and said "Thanks God!"
Chris has had a stressful few months at work. Lots of transitions and lots of turmoil. His personal growth is off the chart and his skill set is huge. He is an intense and hardcore boss, who is misunderstood my his employees. I don't know, but sounds like a good manager? In my experience, management is always the enemy. I know being home for him has been so important. He never would have admitted that we could live off of just his income. We have. I know he is stressed out about providing. I spend everyday trying to put myself in that place with him. But he needs all of me right now. He needs ALL the support. If I was working. (Especially, at my hell of a job.) We would be at each others throats.
I worry. I feel guilty. I have surrendered. I have taken care of myself forever. Putting all my faith in someone else has been challenging. Chris is so easy to trust and I am glad that he is the one taking care of me.
We worry. We think about money. But not as much as when we had two incomes??? I am home. I am truly happy. I am truly relaxed. I am lucky. I only wish, I could stay home. But right now the plan sticks and we see what He has planned next...