Tuesday, March 31, 2009

In the middle of trying to keep my house clean today an episode of Oprah stopped me dead in my tracks. Her guest today was Michael J Fox. Please know that he was my first crush. I loved him so much that I wrote him a fan letter and still have the "automated" reply postcard I received back. I call it "automated", because it was a generic postcard with his signature already printed on it. But to a 10 year old who loved Alex P Keaton, it was a life highlight.
For the past 18 years, he has been living with Parkinson's disease. (I know, 18 years? Wow.) The thing that made me stop and really listen was this incredible quote. "I can choose to think about this. Or I can choose to think about a ton of other things all day." He was a lesson in optimism for me today. Knowing that what is happening now is not only the way it should be. But a gift. Wow! Powerful stuff.

Choose to be happy. Choose to be sad.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

It has taken me three long months to even resemble a normal person after quitting my job. I now know that if we could swing it, I would be a stay at home mom/wife. I always questioned my ability to do this. Perhaps it was always because of the financial security? It is a really hard thing to just walk a way from money. We are all just blasted everyday with how important money is and now in our "recession", it is all about how much we are loosing. Well, I quit my job. I left on purpose. There was a lot of just reasons that I did this. But the reality is that, I made the decision to walk out on our financial security. I caused my family to loose over 40% of its income. Here I am three months later finally getting to the point where I can say. We lost nothing. In fact, we gained, a hell of a lot.
I can name all the stuff that has physically happen. Like the blessing of Ryan's new daycare. As he was dragging me in there this morning so excited to get his day started, I realized, that he likes it there. I left him at the table happily eating his waffles and raisins. On my way out, I teared up and said "Thanks God!"
Chris has had a stressful few months at work. Lots of transitions and lots of turmoil. His personal growth is off the chart and his skill set is huge. He is an intense and hardcore boss, who is misunderstood my his employees. I don't know, but sounds like a good manager? In my experience, management is always the enemy. I know being home for him has been so important. He never would have admitted that we could live off of just his income. We have. I know he is stressed out about providing. I spend everyday trying to put myself in that place with him. But he needs all of me right now. He needs ALL the support. If I was working. (Especially, at my hell of a job.) We would be at each others throats.
I worry. I feel guilty. I have surrendered. I have taken care of myself forever. Putting all my faith in someone else has been challenging. Chris is so easy to trust and I am glad that he is the one taking care of me.
We worry. We think about money. But not as much as when we had two incomes??? I am home. I am truly happy. I am truly relaxed. I am lucky. I only wish, I could stay home. But right now the plan sticks and we see what He has planned next...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

It has been a rough 4 weeks. Ryan sick, me sick, Chris sick. And then Ryan sick, me sick, Chris sick. I have been begining to think we will never be well again. It is really hard to be sick as a parent. Whether your mom or dad. Toddlers just do not understand. This time last week, I was truely thinking, I would never feel well again. Why is it that I do that? Well tonight my poor husband is feeling it. Feel better soon Chris. I love you...
P.S. Kids=Germs

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I have been told that in this time of transition, I am growing and changing.